Living.

Today I woke up with an itch in my soul to explore.
I planned far off adventures.
I thought about calling you and asking you to go with me.
I looked at maps, and photos and dreamt of the wonders that are in my own backyard.

Instead, I watched TV.
Drank coffee.
Read.
Cleaned.
Procrastinated.

And that's when it hit me.
I am far more scared of living than I am of dying. 

Whenever I get the urge in my soul to run to something.
A person.
A place.
A dream.
I have a remarkable tendency to talk myself out of it.
I have always been much better at running away.

When I wake up tomorrow.
And you are the first thing on my mind.
I am going to face the fear of life.
I am going to face my fear of human connection.
And I am going to say good morning.
And it will be.

Some day, when I finally have this whole "living" thing figured out.
I hope I look back at these words and laugh.

Because then I will know the only thing I have to be afraid of
Is myself.

My Revelation (Resolution)

I recently came to the realization that most of my life has been spent in absolute fear.

I am afraid of everything. I am afraid of people. Of getting hurt. Of hurting someone. Of not being good enough. Of failing. Of succeeding. Of losing sight of myself. Of finding myself. Of investing in other people. Of hitting rock bottom and never getting back up again.

I am terrified.

In fact, this fear has allowed me to live most of my life running away from everything. I push people away, I quit everything, I don't take risks, I make excuses for others.

And here I am at 25, and I am so completely tired of this bullshit life I have built.

I want to take risks, and trust people, and make mistakes, and succeed. I want to move out of the state, but not be running away. I want to be able to sell myself and start my career. I want to express my joys and excitements. I want to tell you that I think you are wonderful and beautiful and I want to not fear repercussions. I want to fall in love. I want to fight with someone passionately, and have them still be there the next day. I want to not fear abandonment at every turn. I want to tour across the world. I want to tell people that I am good at what I do, and actually feel it. I want to be me, without walls up.

This is my resolution. To stop letting fear rule my life. To stop letting my inner dialogue hold me back. To take risks. To make an ass out of myself. To impress the socks off of someone. To get hurt. To let people in. This is the new me. This is the new year.

It's going to be hard, but it will be worth it.