I AM...
uninspired
uneasy
passionate
happy
unsettled
pristine
fearful
sanguine
tall
uncomfortable
joyful
dealing
worn
planning
dreaming
not tired
laughing
wishing
mourning
smiling
thinking
In this moment, I have everything I need.
I AM.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
I am worthy. [A confession]
[Well, so much for 21 straight days. But 21 total is a good start I suppose. So here goes nothing.]
At some point in my life, I decided that it was inappropriate to tell people how I feel about them. I don't just mean in a strictly romantic way, I mean in any way. Whether I appreciate the way they share with me, or that they make me laugh at the best times, or that it hurts when they say certain things. I learned to bottle up my feelings and only share what would not get me hurt. My way of sharing is very carefully calculated. Though I may have told you something that was hard to talk about, it is very likely that I thought good and hard about it before I did. I probably hemmed and hawed over how you would react, how much you would care and most of all whether or not I could get hurt from sharing it.
I have been learning that, because of this defense mechanism I have created in myself, I have also limited myself from being able to get very close to people. It is easier to stand at arm's length than to risk getting hurt. I have very few close friends and I have never had a real romantic relationship with anyone, because I have spent my whole life making sure that I couldn't get hurt. I feared feeling more strongly about another person, or worse, them feeling that way about me. I feared getting hurt as much as I feared hurting another. The only problem is that in order to truly get to know someone, to fall in love, to experience a real relationship, I would have to be willing to deal with that possibility.
I am learning to accept the fact that I cannot always prevent myself from getting hurt. It doesn't work anyway. And I cannot prevent myself from hurting others. It will happen. I will let someone down. I will feel differently than someone else. I will get hurt. But I must experience those things in order to really grow, to open up to someone, to face my fears, to be honest about my feelings and to tell others how much they really mean to me.
It's going to be hard to change. But I want to. I want to have better friendships and the possibility at a great relationship. I am worthy.
At some point in my life, I decided that it was inappropriate to tell people how I feel about them. I don't just mean in a strictly romantic way, I mean in any way. Whether I appreciate the way they share with me, or that they make me laugh at the best times, or that it hurts when they say certain things. I learned to bottle up my feelings and only share what would not get me hurt. My way of sharing is very carefully calculated. Though I may have told you something that was hard to talk about, it is very likely that I thought good and hard about it before I did. I probably hemmed and hawed over how you would react, how much you would care and most of all whether or not I could get hurt from sharing it.
I have been learning that, because of this defense mechanism I have created in myself, I have also limited myself from being able to get very close to people. It is easier to stand at arm's length than to risk getting hurt. I have very few close friends and I have never had a real romantic relationship with anyone, because I have spent my whole life making sure that I couldn't get hurt. I feared feeling more strongly about another person, or worse, them feeling that way about me. I feared getting hurt as much as I feared hurting another. The only problem is that in order to truly get to know someone, to fall in love, to experience a real relationship, I would have to be willing to deal with that possibility.
I am learning to accept the fact that I cannot always prevent myself from getting hurt. It doesn't work anyway. And I cannot prevent myself from hurting others. It will happen. I will let someone down. I will feel differently than someone else. I will get hurt. But I must experience those things in order to really grow, to open up to someone, to face my fears, to be honest about my feelings and to tell others how much they really mean to me.
It's going to be hard to change. But I want to. I want to have better friendships and the possibility at a great relationship. I am worthy.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
What's In The Box?!
I'd never been much of a gardener. Every plant I had ever owned eventually died from something I did wrong, or didn't do at all. I had a tendency to stay away from living things that I couldn't talk to, because unlike humans, plants never told you if you were doing something wrong. So, naturally, when I was asked by my friend, Josh, to help him start a small vegetable garden in his backyard, I was hesitant.
I showed up at his house early in the morning. It was summer, and I hated sweating. "Just dig out this section, a foot down. And then we can get started on planting."
I was starting to get tired of my friend's bullshit. He had left me here, three hours ago, to finish digging this hole. Which, by the way, was way deeper than a foot. I sat down at the edge, and took a drink of my now warm water. My feet, though tired, started to dig into the hole. That's when I hit it. Something unremarkable at first, but as my foot tried to move the ground, that's when I realized something was off.
That was the first time I felt any motivation this whole day. I jolted up from my seat, grabbed the shovel and dug. I had to know what was hidden under this... dirt.
The box was heavy, deceivingly so. After uncovering it, I thrust it across the grass and plopped down in front of it. Good thing Josh was gone, because whatever was in this box was mine. I worked for it after all.
It took some manipulating, but the old box eventually came open. At that moment, I knew what my new passion would be. Gardening.
I showed up at his house early in the morning. It was summer, and I hated sweating. "Just dig out this section, a foot down. And then we can get started on planting."
I was starting to get tired of my friend's bullshit. He had left me here, three hours ago, to finish digging this hole. Which, by the way, was way deeper than a foot. I sat down at the edge, and took a drink of my now warm water. My feet, though tired, started to dig into the hole. That's when I hit it. Something unremarkable at first, but as my foot tried to move the ground, that's when I realized something was off.
That was the first time I felt any motivation this whole day. I jolted up from my seat, grabbed the shovel and dug. I had to know what was hidden under this... dirt.
The box was heavy, deceivingly so. After uncovering it, I thrust it across the grass and plopped down in front of it. Good thing Josh was gone, because whatever was in this box was mine. I worked for it after all.
It took some manipulating, but the old box eventually came open. At that moment, I knew what my new passion would be. Gardening.
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