I am worthy. [A confession]

[Well, so much for 21 straight days. But 21 total is a good start I suppose. So here goes nothing.]

At some point in my life, I decided that it was inappropriate to tell people how I feel about them. I don't just mean in a strictly romantic way, I mean in any way. Whether I appreciate the way they share with me, or that they make me laugh at the best times, or that it hurts when they say certain things. I learned to bottle up my feelings and only share what would not get me hurt. My way of sharing is very carefully calculated. Though I may have told you something that was hard to talk about, it is very likely that I thought good and hard about it before I did. I probably hemmed and hawed over how you would react, how much you would care and most of all whether or not I could get hurt from sharing it.

I have been learning that, because of this defense mechanism I have created in myself, I have also limited myself from being able to get very close to people. It is easier to stand at arm's length than to risk getting hurt. I have very few close friends and I have never had a real romantic relationship with anyone, because I have spent my whole life making sure that I couldn't get hurt. I feared feeling more strongly about another person, or worse, them feeling that way about me. I feared getting hurt as much as I feared hurting another. The only problem is that in order to truly get to know someone, to fall in love, to experience a real relationship, I would have to be willing to deal with that possibility.

I am learning to accept the fact that I cannot always prevent myself from getting hurt. It doesn't work anyway. And I cannot prevent myself from hurting others. It will happen. I will let someone down. I will feel differently than someone else. I will get hurt. But I must experience those things in order to really grow, to open up to someone, to face my fears, to be honest about my feelings and to tell others how much they really mean to me.

It's going to be hard to change. But I want to. I want to have better friendships and the possibility at a great relationship. I am worthy.